My husband, Jerome, the Great and Good, is mature. When a telemarketer calls, Jerome hangs up, often saying something like, “Sorry, can’t talk now.”
I am not mature. Maybe my toilet training didn’t go right. I have anger, albeit repressed.
Jerome tells me not to engage telemarketers or scammers.
I do not listen to him.
Here’s a recap of the last conversation with someone named Josh (Ha Ha…if you really believe that was his name.)
Josh (after waiting for me to say Hello three times) speaks: Hello
Me: Your turn.
Josh: Do you have Microsoft Office 365?
Me: Who wants to know?
Josh: There has been a very serious problem with Microsoft Office 365.
Me: Oh no! Oh no!
Josh: Your computer is in terrible danger. You must fix it immediately.
Me: Oh no! Oh my God! What am I going to do? I hope my computer is not going to crash?
Josh: It can crash. I can help you fix it.
Me: Oh Josh, where would I be without you? What do I have to do?
Josh: You need to be at your computer. Are you by your computer now?
Me: Hold on, Josh. I am going upstairs to my computer now. Give me time because I’m old and I’m not really good with the computer. (climb stairs; breathe loudly) OK, I’m here.
Josh: Is your computer turned on?
Me, (still breathing heavily): Yes. What do I do?
Josh: OK. What does it show on the screen?
Me: Oh, Josh, I really can’t do this now. I have an appointment. Can you give me your number and I will call you back as soon I can.
No: You need to sit in front of your computer now or…
Me: You idiot! Don’t you know that I am recording this and you are going to go to jail! Do you really think I am that stupid? Don’t you think I know this is a scam!
Me: You stupid dimwit! You might even be so stupid that you don’t realize that you are breaking the law with this phone call, dumbhead! The man who hired you for this job is using you to break the law, jerk. He’s hurting you, fool! I have recorded every word you said, and you are going to jail, doodyhead.
Me: You stupid scammer. They could take you away for years for this. You, fool, probably don’t even know that you are breaking the law! Idiot! Don’t you know that the man who hired you for this job is using you, moron!
Me: Shaddup! I’m going to hang up now. I’m surprised you stayed on so long. Usually you scammers hang up on me.
Me: Enjoy jail. (I hang up.)
Part II: 15 Minutes Later
Jerome, the Great and Good, asks, “Are you happy now?”
I said, “Yes,” but I was lying.
For the remainder of the night, I worried that while I was ranting, Josh and his cohorts were:
- Tracing my phone to my house and my bank account.
- Syncing my phone, computer, credit cards and Shoprite Customer Loyalty Cards.
- Mapping my comings and goings to Shoprite where I like to buy avocados.
- Picking and poisoning avocados to put in the gift box they were mailing me.
- Laughing their pants off at the dumbbell who kept them on the phone.
Addendum: If I live long enough, I do plan to write The Revenge of the Telemarketers…unless some telemarketer with repressed anger or early toilet training issues beats me to it.