On this Earth Day I am contemplating the great outdoors. Here is how Really Cool People go hiking in the wild.
Really Cool People:
- Always wear red or khaki bandanas,
- Never wear pink flowered scarves designed to draw the eye upwards and away from the butt.
- Always carry matches.
- Never carry handbags.
- Always pack a light snack of nuts and raisins and lots of water.
- Never pack pickled herring with creamed onions in a Tupperware container.
- Always squint their eyes and say words like “I reckon…”
- Never screw up their noses and say words like “Oy.”
- Always have weather-beaten feral faces and look formidable.
- Never have flushed sweaty faces and look like they are about to drop dead.
- Always wear weathered khaki short shorts, and baseball caps.
- Never wear blue plaid Bermuda shorts with a matching baby blue solid shirt, and a white sunhat with chin straps.
- Always nod and say hello to other hikers who look just like them.
- Never acknowledge people like me.