HDF’s Reality Cooking Show: Chopping Onions and Garlic

Chopping the Onion

  1. Start peeling the onion’s skin.
  2. Accidentally drop a piece of the onion skin on the kitchen floor.
  3. Pick up the onion skin with a paper towel, and put it in the garbage can under the counter.
  4. After touching the floor with the paper towel and sliding out your garbage can from under the counter, wash your hands with soap. Then dry your hands.
  5. Pick up the knife to resume peeling.
  6. Notice that your hands are still a bit soapy, and soap is not an ingredient in meatloaf. Wash and dry your hands again.
  7. Continue peeling and drop another piece of onion skin on the floor. Decide that you cannot stop  peeling to pick up every little thing that lands on the floor
  8. Start cutting the peeled onion by slicing it and then chopping it.
  9. Do that rocking thing with the knife that makes you feel like a real foodie.
  10. As you rock your knife, note that at least four or five pieces of onion fly off the cutting board, deposit schmutz on your clean shirt, and then land on the floor.
  11. Worry about the pieces of onion lying on the floor. If you step on them, you might fall, and have to go to the hospital, and who would be left to feed your starving family?
  12. Decide to write a letter to the cooking shows demanding that they televise what falls on the floor, behind the counter.
  13. Hear your phone ring, and worry  Continue reading