HDF’s Reality Cooking Show: Chopping Onions and Garlic

Chopping the Onion

  1. Start peeling the onion’s skin.
  2. Accidentally drop a piece of the onion skin on the kitchen floor.
  3. Pick up the onion skin with a paper towel, and put it in the garbage can under the counter.
  4. After touching the floor with the paper towel and sliding out your garbage can from under the counter, wash your hands with soap. Then dry your hands.
  5. Pick up the knife to resume peeling.
  6. Notice that your hands are still a bit soapy, and soap is not an ingredient in meatloaf. Wash and dry your hands again.
  7. Continue peeling and drop another piece of onion skin on the floor. Decide that you cannot stop  peeling to pick up every little thing that lands on the floor
  8. Start cutting the peeled onion by slicing it and then chopping it.
  9. Do that rocking thing with the knife that makes you feel like a real foodie.
  10. As you rock your knife, note that at least four or five pieces of onion fly off the cutting board, deposit schmutz on your clean shirt, and then land on the floor.
  11. Worry about the pieces of onion lying on the floor. If you step on them, you might fall, and have to go to the hospital, and who would be left to feed your starving family?
  12. Decide to write a letter to the cooking shows demanding that they televise what falls on the floor, behind the counter.
  13. Hear your phone ring, and worry (unlike today’s millennials) that it might be an emergency.
  14. Run to get your phone (unlike today’s millennials), and step on and squish the onion slices you left on the floor.
  15. Tell the caller you will call them back, and hang up the phone.
  16. Change shoes because you don’t want to spread the squished up onions all over your kitchen.
  17. Wash your hands after touching your germ-laden phone and your dirty shoes.
  18. Finish cutting the onion.  Put the cutting board in the sink and wash it.
  19. Get soaking wet because your faucet’s trajectory is directed toward your chest.
  20. Realize that it would have been better to cut onions by wearing last night’s yechy pajamas instead of showering and putting on clean clothes to cook.
  21. Plan to write a letter to your favorite chef asking how his long sleeves stay so clean and dry.

Add Garlic

  1. Take out three cloves of garlic. Put them in your mini food processor because you just washed the cutting board, and you hate cleaning out the garlic press. You think that there are still pieces of garlic stuck in the garlic press from last Thanksgiving.
  2. Wash out the food processor and get your shirt even wetter. Continue with your meatloaf.
  3. Worry that your neighbor will drop in, see your filthy floor and greasy shirt, and realize what a slob you really are.

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