How to Gain Weight and Exercise Your Brain at the Same Time!

Photo Credit: Boogies with Fish via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Boogies with Fish via Compfight cc 

In my earlier post, I said my brain was frozen during the summer.  But only part of that was true. So let’s move on to the subject of Neurology and the Brain.

As The Nothing Expert, I am qualified to write about the brain because I have one. Now that I have your attention, let me just say that my brain does not work like the brain of a millennial. I cannot multi-task. I’m lucky if I can do one teeny, tiny task at a time, and then for mental reinforcement, I munch on some chips, and dip.

In 1955 in our fourth grade class, I wrote the script for a puppet show, and then I decided that someday I would “Write a Book.”

When I was sixty, I started my book, and it only took me ten years to write it.

Then millions of people told me “Ha. Ha. You cannot publish a book without a platform and billions of followers. Get a platform.”

A platform means followers, billions of followers, even some from outer space.

And so, I put the book away, and decided to seek followers, on Facebook, Twitter, and on this blog.

Along the way I met some very wonderful people and I have enjoyed their blogs, comments, and our shared conversations. I still don’t get Twitter, and I’m past the point of caring how I screw up on Facebook.

But I have not been a good girl this summer. I have failed to write in my blog and I have failed to comment on other people’s blogs. I beg for your forgiveness, if you are one of my followers.

That’s because I have been working on my book, again. You cannot just write “The End,” on your last page and then say “OK World, Come and get It!”

Actually, I have been learning how to publish the book. Now if we break that up into steps, I would say that publishing a book takes about a zillion steps, all of them new for an old broad like me. And I can only concentrate on one step at a time, or I will get frazzled, eat too much, and gain 25 pounds of flesh, in my thighs.

So, who had time for writing? Not me.

Also, I never mentioned the book because somewhere in the zillions of publishing pointers, there was a warning on “shameless self-promotion.”

So, I am going to try to do the unheard of “Walk and Chew Gum” at the same time. In the coming weeks I am going to work on a few more steps, all at once! Along the way, I will tell you more about the book, but I will try to do it in a way that isn’t shameless self-promotion. 

Now where is that butter pecan ice cream? I’m spent.

Why We Need Greeters At The Post Office

Photo Credit: santheo via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: santheo via Compfight cc

 

Photo Credit: eVo photo via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eVo photo via Compfight cc

 

 

Some of us get really nervous and confused when we have to choose the right forms to fill out at the post office.  We are post office wimps.

We look at the line of customers waiting to be served. . There are fifteen people ahead of us, and, oh yes, there is one postal worker behind the counter.

We look at the many forms in their neat little stacks on the writing counter adjacent to the people on line.  We ponder, “Golly, which one do I need?”

Then we look up at the signs over the postal worker’s head. These signs are supposed to help us. We study the signs. They do not help us, and we feel stupid.

We look back at the fifteen people on line, and wonder, if they would just let us ask one teeny, tiny question of the nice postal worker behind the counter.

One look at their snarling faces tells us, “Don’t even think of asking a question ahead of us.

So, we wait on the end of the line and start filling out the forms that we think are correct.

Three more people come in to the Post Office and, since we are not finished with our forms, we invite them to get on line ahead of us.

They do. Then they whip out their pens and start filling out their forms on the counter.

Because we are wimps, we say nothing.

We wait on line. Finally, we hear our “Next,” and we advance to the desk.

One form (the green one) is right, but the other one is totally wrong. The post office worker tells us what color to get. Before we leave her window, we whisper, ever so softly, “Can I come right back up to you and not have to stand in line again?”

She didn’t even have to talk. Her look said it all.

We mince right back to the end of the line which now has 17 people on it. We fill out the form and get on the back of the line again.

Overcome with frustration, nerves and the need to eat a half gallon of Haagen Dazs, we walk off the line and out of the post office, get in our car, and drive fifteen minutes to the post office in the next town. We know that there is a 7-11 store in that strip mall, and they sell Rum Raisin.

No one is on line, and the kindly postal worker helps us mail our letter. We go next door and buy a pint of Haagen Dazs Rum Raisin.

So, that’s why we need Greeters at the Post Office. Greeters will help us wimps stay on our diets.

 

Social Media Can Make You Get Fat

Photo Credit: Lotus Carroll via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Lotus Carroll via Compfight cc

When I Get Nervous, I Eat

Why I am Nervous

I am trying to Tweet. In fact, I have been registered with Twitter for almost 10 months, and I have only made 7 Tweets. That’s because I get totally confused.

For Facebook, I have no idea what I’m doing. For starters, I still can’t tell the difference between the pages I see and the pages that everybody else sees.

When I am inept, I get nervous. When I get nervous— I eat.

Out there in the world, I see everyone else clicking, clicking, clicking. I do not click. I write, with a pen, on a little pad  Then I go home and put my thoughts into my blog. I love to write. That’s not my problem. Writing is my comfort zone.

But only about twelve people read my blog and three of them are my first cousins.

Getting my writing found is NOT my comfort zone. I must reach out and use social media. That’s why I am nervous.

When I am nervous, I eat.

My Two Imaginary Friends Are At War Again

Grim says, “Just Tweet. Start already. You’re old and getting older.”

I say, “I don’t know how to Tweet. I get mixed up with retweeting, mentioning, modified Tweet, hat tip, replying, hashtags, linking, following.

Overthinker says, “Sit down and draw up a plan to plan for planning to link.”

Grim Streaker says, “Just retweet somebody. Become part of the community. Pretend you are at a cocktail party. Join the conversation.

And now,  Nervous Nibbler, my new imaginary friend arrives.

Nervous Nibbler says, “Speaking of cocktail parties, pour a small glass of wine.  Have some cheese with your wine. It will calm you down and then you will begin to make a plan for writing your plan on planning to use Twitter.

I looked at a few Tweets on Twitter from the people I follow. One of them was from Lois Alter Mark who wrote about her own writing process. I loved what she wrote!  I think I will tell her on Twitter. I’d like to tell other people how great she is too.

Overthinker chimes in, “Go back and read the Twitter help columns again, Rose. Be careful. You might write something that everybody will see. What if you do it the wrong way? Everybody will know you don’t know what you’re doing.”

I knew Nervous Nibbler would have to put her own two cents in.  “This calls for some salsa and chips,” she said. “Perhaps you might want to round it off with a donut.”

Grim Streaker Wins the Contest!

Grim Streaker finally set me straight, again. “Rose, put down the donut. You loved Lois Alter Mark’s article. Just tell her in as many ways as you can.

I respond in panic, “How do I do that? Should I retweet her? Or do I link to her blog or her Twitter account here on this very blog? I don’t’ know what to do first.”

Nervous Nibbler thrives on my indecision. “Rose,” she says, “make a  ham and cheese sandwich. Add some mayo, some chips and a pickle.”

I will make the sandwich, but after I write this link. Then, I will do the best I can on Twitter.

Read Lois Alter Mark’s post on her writing process here.  I loved it!

http://midlifeattheoasis.com/books/my-writing-process